Evil Hate Cow # 1 (perch_and_creep) wrote in dolltongue,
Evil Hate Cow # 1

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Ariana Deralte

Author: Ariana Deralte
Fandom: x-men/muppet crossover
E-mail: feedback for ariana deralt
Webpage/Homepage: ariana deralte's ff.net account
Disclaimers: marvel and jim henson productions own all these characters. this is merely a piece of humorous fanfiction that is making no monetary or other profit. The author has graciously allowed this archive to includer her fiction. There are also many other fanfics at her ff.net account.

Authors Note: This story was the result of watching Muppet Treasure Island and then reading my X-men comics. Forgive me please:)


Remy wandered down the steps to the kitchen, rubbing his eyes blearily and trying to ignore his hangover. Scott had scheduled yet another early morning training session and Remy would need at least a cup of coffee before he was ready to kill something. He walked into the kitchen then took a step backwards in surprise. Colourful creatures that were currently in the various stages of breakfast inhabited the kitchen.

A fuzzy frog was flipping pancakes, appropriately with his flippers. A pig in the finest faux Hollywood stood off to the side offering advice.

"Sweetums," called the frog. "Sweetums!"

"Yes," said a deep bass voice off to Remy's right. Remy jumped. A huge shaggy monster with large lips and fangs stood nearby. He was eating a banana.

"Could you get the syrup?" asked the frog. The monster nodded amiably and walked over to the counter, taking the syrup out of one of the upper cabinets. The syrup was placed on the table. Its seats were occupied by a rat, a bear, an animal and what Remy tentatively identified as a whatever. They were deep in conversation.

"No! No!" exclaimed the, uhm, whatever, "The X-men didn't really die. They just moved to Australia and went through the Siege Perilous and..." He trailed off as all the others just stared at him.

"Gonzo," said the rat, "you have way too much time on your hands."

"But Gonzo," said the bear, "Didn't the Reavers capture Logan and crucify him so he never went through the Siege Perilous?" Silence filled the kitchen as they all stared at the bear. Abruptly, the conversation resumed as the red-haired animal screamed.

"Wolverine! Wolverine!" He seemed very excited.

"Yes, Animal. You will soon meet Wolverine and all the other X-men." The frog looked straight at Remy who turned around and sprinted away.

First he would get one of the beers that Logan hid around the mansion, then he was going back to sleep.

Let the other X-men deal with those mutant puppets.

"Jean, call Gambit again," said Scott. Gambit had been up late, partying as usual and was trying to use his hangover as an excuse not to train. "Tell him that we'll send Bishop up to get him." Jean dutifully relayed the threat and Gambit's response.

"He what!?"

"He jumped out the window," said Jean. Scott looked over at Bishop. Despite the time-lost X-men's forbidding demeanour, Gambit had never shown an all abiding fear of Bishop. His reaction in this case was a little extreme.

"Did he say anything?" asked Scott.

"Mutant puppets," admitted Jean.

"He screamed, 'Mutant puppets!'?"

"Yes, well, mentally," Jean amended.

"I'm assuming he's not hurt?" he asked. Jean nodded. Scott sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"Alright. We'll start without him." He would talk to Gambit later. This was not going to happen again.

"Danger room sequence 087," he called. The X-men were now standing in the central square of Salem Center. Suddenly a sentinel’s hand pushed out of the ground and grabbed Beast's leg.

The X-men went into action.


A few minutes later...

Rogue and Bobby were playing catch with the remains of a sentinel's head, while Beast recited some famous quote no one recognized. Warren and Logan had flipped for the showers. Logan called heads and pinned the coin to the floor with a claw. Warren decided not to argue.

Scott was talking quietly with Jean, thinking that they might go out later and let the X-men baby-sit themselves. They looked up upon hearing a yelp. Actually, more than one yelp. Bobby lay sprawled amongst the wreckage, the sentinel's head in tiny dripping pieces next to him. Rogue must have overcompensated.

What interested Scott more were the various bright, fuzzy creatures lying next to Bobby. Other creatures were approaching, drawn by their brethren's plight. “Oh my god!” Scott thought, “Is that a pig in a purple evening gown?” Jean tugged on his arm to get his attention.

“Scott,” she said in a low voice, “Those are the creatures I saw in Remy's mind. 'Mutant puppets' he said.” Just then a giant, hairy monster stepped into view. He had bulging eyes along with huge lips and teeth. The monster bent down and reached for Bobby.

“Hold it, Sugah. You don't touch the Popsicle!” yelled Rogue.

“Indeed, it would be a shame for us to leave him to your, no doubt, nefarious ministrations,” said Beast. The monster regarded Rogue and Beast, a confused expression on its face.

“My name is Sweetums, not Sugah and I love you guys,” it said in a deep voice. He swept the two of them into a bear hug of epic proportions, then put them down before either had the chance to react.

“Excuse me,” said a polite voice next to Scott. He looked over, and then down. It was a talking frog.

“Yes?” Scott said, in a voice slightly higher then he would have liked.

“I am Kermit the Frog, at your service.” Kermit bowed. “We, the Muppets, have come to meet the great defenders of justice, the X-men.” Scott noticed that all the Muppets had gathered round. The X-men were outnumbered three to one. He hoped there weren't anymore wandering about the mansion.


Logan stepped out of the shower, rubbing the towel through his hair, than wrapping it around his body. He wandered out of the bathroom, and into his room. After some rummaging in his dresser, he settled on some jeans and a grungy t-shirt that might have born a logo before Jubilee had hand-painted an evil smiley face, with fangs on it, while they were repainting her room. It was one of Logan’s favorite t-shirts, thought he would never admit it to anyone.

He padded downstairs intent on raiding his secret stash. The house was quiet, and Logan was surprised no one had left the Danger Room yet. He considered going in there, but decided against it. The thought of avoiding a lecture from Scott made that beer look even better.

His “secret stash” actually consisted of an unused cabinet in the corner of the living room, housing a mini-fridge that only he had the key to. He unlocked the cabinet, and took stock of his inventory. Two beers missing. Remy Lebeau.

Gambit had yet to be stopped by the lack of the key, but Logan made a mental note to change the lock again. Maybe he should add a nasty surprise this time…

He grabbed two beers, placing one on the shelf above him for later, and used a single claw to puncture the top of the other. He turned and flicked the mutated top expertly into Scott’s favorite chair, knowing it would annoy him. Turing back to the mini-fridge, he took a swig of beer and locked up the cabinet again. He would booby trap it next time.

His senses alerted him to something. Was that yarn he smelled? Logan turned around, his knees bent, and ready for action. What he wasn’t prepared for was the brilliantly colored creature that stood behind him. It opened its wide mouth and screamed.


Logan nearly lost his composure and clamped his hands over his ears. As it was, his claws instinctively popped out and he took a swipe at the creature. Unfortunately, the wild-haired animal was bouncing around so much out of excitement, that he only managed to clip some tufts of its brilliant red hair. Logan groaned as the red hair began to litter the carpet. Jean was going to have to vacuum again, and she was not going to be happy.

“Wolverine! Wolverine!” It wouldn’t shut up and it wouldn’t stand still. He tried to kill it a couple more times anyway.

“Logan! What are you doing?” asked a voice. Logan froze. He knew that voice. There was no way he could kill the damn thing now. He turned slightly so he could see Scott, while still keeping the majority of his attention on the wild-haired creature.

Scott Summers stood there, still in his uniform from the Danger Room. Most of the X-men stood behind him, surrounded by the oddest assortment of creatures Logan had ever seen. Well, not counting the Princess Bar in Madripoor.

“Animal, man. Stop buggin the Wolverine,” said a smooth sounding creature wearing shades.

“Wolverine! Wolverine?” The creature stopped jumping, though it still repeated Wolverine in a half-hearted voice. A small, green frog stepped forward, somehow supporting itself on stilt like legs.

“Please pardon Animal, Mr. Wolverine. You’re his hero, and he was so anxious to meet you,” the frog said.

“Yes, well, I’m anxious for him to meet my claws,” Logan growled.

“Logan,” warned Jean.

“KERMIE!” screamed a voice from across the room. For a second, Logan saw a pig silhouetted in the door, than it was running forward to land in a purple, frilly heap on top of the frog.

“Everyone meet Miss. Piggy,” said the frog in a frazzled voice.

“Oh Kermie. It was awful. This evil clown came and said he was here for the muppets, but I hit him and – WHY WEREN’T YOU THERE TO SAVE ME?!” screamed the pig. She did look a little worse for wear. Her purple dress was badly ripped in places. The frog, Logan observed, was doing a very good job of playing dead. Bobby spoke up from where he had been standing near the door.

“And which evil clown would this be? We seem to know a lot of men who enjoy wearing overly done makeup in strange patterns.” Everyone looked at Apocalypse who had been quietly sitting in a corner playing go-fish with the Swedish chef. He noticed their gazes upon him.

“I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, THOUGH I MUST SAY THAT THE PIG IS RATHER CUTE.” Apocalypse winked at Miss. Piggy and walked out of the room. Maybe Cable would be up for some poker…

“Boourgie smmorsh bortumph,” said the Swedish chef, and started chopping up a few of the playing cards. (A/N: Well how else did you think I was going to get him in the fic?)

“It’s Sinister,” said Scott, his voice lowered for dramatic effect. “Who else would attempt such an odd thing?”

“I can think of twelve off the top of my head sugah, but who’s countin?”

“Indubitably, oh fearless leader, Rogue has made a cognizant point,” said Beast. Scott’s face began to turn red.

“It’s Sinister okay? It’s always Sinister,” he insisted.

“Or Magneto,” said the fuzzy bear.

“Or the Shiar,” said a brown rat.

“Or the Reavers.”

“Or…” Scott did not look happy.

“Will this help?” said Miss. Piggy, holding out what appeared to be a business card. “The clown dropped this.” A strange blue creature with a pipe like nose, leaned over her shoulder and read it.

“Mr. Sinister Productions?”

“Give me that!” said Scott, temporarily forgetting his good manners. He snatched the card out of Miss. Piggy’s hands.

“Mr. Sinister Productions!” he exclaimed.

“We’ve already been over that Scott,” said Jean in an annoyed tone. She turned to address the assembled muppets. “Where did you all come from? Why would Mr. Sinister be after you?” The muppets all exchanged uncertain looks, except for Animal who was happily head banging to music only he could hear and muttering Wolverine under his breath. Finally, a short, brown rat spoke up.

“We wanted to meet the X-men so we came here,” said the rat.

“Came here from where?” Jean persisted. The fuzzy bear spoke up.

“There was this white room – ”

“And aliens. They said they were related to me and…” The rat clamped his hand over the blue whatever’s mouth.

“Don’t mind Gonzo. His mind has a tendency to change universes when he’s not looking,” explained the rat. Jean sighed.

“Well, since your mind is in this universe, would you mind telling me where you came from?”

“They can’t Jean,” said a voice in a familiar accent. Everyone looked up. Standing in the doorway was Gambit, his face looking grim.

“Where have you been?” demanded Scott, “Jumping out windows just because of a few muppets?!” Remy shrugged.

“Eh, dat was de hangover speakin. After I calmed down and had de chance to tink it over, I realized who de were.” He paused and Kermit approached him. He walked up to Remy and looked very seriously into Remy’s eyes.

“And who are we Mr. Lebeau?” He asked the question and all the other muppets leaned in, as if their very lives depended on his answer.

“You’re living beings created without all dat bothersome flesh and blood. Perfect for Sinister’s evil plans, not to mention marketing potential.”

“How can you be sure about this Remy?” asked Rogue.

“Had a chat with Sinister. He’s waitin out front. ‘Parently de doorbell’s broken.”

The X-men and muppets stared at Remy, trying to comprehend his last statement.

“The doorbell’s broken? When did that happen?” asked Warren. Scott turned on him in annoyance.

“Sinister is waiting outside for us! Don’t you think that’s a bit more important than the doorbell?!” he screamed.

“Only if he’s the doorbell repairman!” quipped Bobby, at which point Jean had to restrain Scott from attacking him.

“Shouldn’t we at least talk to Sinister?” asked Gonzo.

“What do you mean?” said Kermit.

“Well, he does seem to know what we are…” said Gonzo. The rat tittered nervously.

“Have you forgotten the comics? Sinister is evil.”

“Yes, very evil,” said Scott, regaining his composure.

“Doesn’t mean dat he don’t got the answers,” said Remy casually.

“Oh Kermie! Don’t let the evil clown get me!” Miss Piggy took the opportunity to squeeze the frog until his eyes bulged out.

“Don’t worry chere. Gambit make sure Mr. Sinister be a gentleman.” Miss. Piggy froze and stared at Remy.

“Was that French?” she asked in a dangerous tone. Remy began to slowly back away.

“Yes,” he responded tentatively. Kermit was dropped like a stone, if stones exclaimed ‘hey!’ when they were dropped that is. Miss. Piggy latched onto Remy’s leg and looked up at him with adoring eyes.

“Say it again Remie.” Remy looked helplessly at the others. Rogue was looking very amused.

“Chere?” he said, intending it for Rogue, but Miss. Piggy squealed and began muttering something about French men.

“I’m not French,” protested Remy, but no one was listening to him. Both the muppets and X-men had broken into a disjointed argument about whether they should talk to Sinister or not. Jean stood in the middle of it, and wished she had hands to clamp over her mental ears. She watched Scott proclaim for the third time that Sinister was evil and decided she had had enough.

“Shut up!” she screamed, both mentally and vocally. Everyone stopped to look at her. “Now that I have your attention. We will all be going out there and talking to Mr. Sinister.” Scott opened his mouth to protest. “And you will all be polite and on your best behaviour. Got that?” There were nods all around, though Logan was looking very amused for some reason. “Good. Now follow me.” She headed towards the front hall, muppets and mutants trailing behind her.

Mr. Sinister was sitting on the front doorstep reading the latest Harry Potter book. “I am not going to ask,” thought Jean to herself. “And hopefully no one else will.” He closed the book when he saw them file out onto the mansion’s front steps and stood up. His red eyes focused on Scott.

“Hello, Scott,” he said. Scott lunged and Jean had to use her telekinetic powers to keep him from killing himself.

“Scott calm down,” she said telepathically. “He was reading a Harry Potter book for goodness sake.”

“Have you read those books?” Scott thought back. “He’s probably plotting how to kill all the muggles right at this very moment.” Jean sighed. She made a vow to never let Scott read a fantasy book again. Kermit stepped forward.

“Excuse me, I’ve been told that you are our creator. Is that true?” he asked politely. Sinister nodded.

“It is.”

“That’s not possible,” exclaimed a round-headed green creature in a lab coat. “I clearly showed in my experiment.” The creature paused to search the pockets of his lab coat. “Beaker!” A skinny creature with a tuft of red hair appeared and squeaked at the green doctor. They held a whispered conversation. “Really?...Not possible…No. Not the yellow one…What did I tell you?...Anchovies…I really think that has nothing to do with…Oh.” The doctor looked up from his conversation. “Hold this Beaker. Ahem. Sorry to trouble you. All I actually proved is that I wasn’t the creator. Thank you.” He stepped back. Beside him, the container Beaker had been handed exploded.

“If I might come inside and explain,” said Sinister. “I wouldn’t say no to a cup of tea.” The X-men exchanged glances. Scott was shaking his head no, but it was Jean who answered.

“Come in, but if we catch you at something…” she warned. Mr. Sinister nodded.

“You’ll destroy me, I know,” he said. “Honestly. These threats get so old.” Everyone crowded back into the mansion.

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