Evil Hate Cow # 1 (perch_and_creep) wrote in dolltongue,
Evil Hate Cow # 1
perch_and_creep
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darksabertooth (the crocodile hunter series)

author: darksabertooth
disclaimer: marvel and animal planet own these characters/people not darksabertooth or myself.
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website/homepage: darksabertooth's ff.net account read and review



Dark Beast Meets The Crocodile Hunter

“G’day viewers and have we got a treat for you today. Were going on an adventure to meet one of the naughtiest and most beautiful critters around. Today the Crocodile Hunter takes on the Dark Beast,”

Dark Beast was usually fairly happy in his primary existence as a brilliant if amoral geneticist. Still he was facing a minor crisis at present because his Twinkie supply had run dry. He would have to go out and get some new ones immediately. It wasn’t a matter of life or death because it was far more important than that.

Humming a tune to himself he pulled on a clean shirt and set out of the house. Little did he realize that an intrepid Australian was observing him intently from a nearby bush.

“Well here is our first glimpse of the gorgeous Dark Beast. This naughty critter has just left his lair on the hunt for food. Just look at all that luxuriant black and gray fur. Those sharp claws and fangs show that he’s not a critter that you want to mess with,” said Steve Irwin.

Dark Beast frowned when he heard the voice coming from a bush. He didn’t appreciate being referred to as a naughty critter.

“He’s heard us and he’s looking around. Look at that body language and the way he shows his fangs. He’s saying “Look out I’m dangerous”. Oh he’s coming over towards us,” said the Crocodile Hunter eagerly.

“You are going to find out just how dangerous I really am you obnoxious moron,” growled Dark Beast as he reached the bush. He was greatly startled when Steve Irwin burst out of the bushes at him. With a prodigious leap the Crocodile Hunter leapt on top of Dark Beast and began wrestling with the mutant. Getting his quarry in a stranglehold the Aussie maneuvered the angry Dark Beast around to face the camera.

“Just look at him would ya. He’s a beautiful boy. Up close you can see those big yellow eyes. Look at how angry he seems. You’re not too happy about this are you boy. You are just gorgeous,” said Steve Irwin as he planted a kiss on Dark Beast’s nose.

With a feral snarl Dark Beast broke free and swung wildly at the annoying Aussie. His punch sent Steve Irwin flying through the air to land in a bruised and dazed heap on the floor.

“Strewth he’s certainly a strong one. He’s coming this way,” gasped Steve.

Dark Beast glared down at his tormenter and then a wicked grin spread across his hairy face. He pulled a syringe out of his pocket.

“Well Mr Irwin whatever am I going to do with you?,” asked Dark Beast with mock sorrow.

“Well it seems that this naughty critter has me at his mercy. I sure hope he’s going to play nice with me,” gulped Steve Irwin.

“Say good night Crocodile Hunter,” growled Dark Beast as he jabbed home with the syringe.

“Oh man I’m whacked,” sighed Steve Irwin and then the blackness took him.

Steve Irwin awoke some hours later to find himself in some sort of laboratory. He was strapped to a table and various nasty looking implements were lying around him. A grinning Dark Beast approached wearing a neat lab coat.

“Well Steve I’m now going to perform a few simple experiments on you to see if you could possibly be as stupid as you seem. Don’t worry though because you won’t suffer long,” said Dark Beast.

He gave a triumphant grin and set to work ignoring his victim’s pitiful cries for mercy.



Crocodile Hunter 2-The Shadowcat Encounter

Steve Irwin was enjoying the sight through his camcorder viewfinder. Kitty Pryde’s svelte, elegant figure was showed off nicely by her leotard and her somewhat frizzy brown hair was bobbing about beguilingly as she went through her exercise regime.

“Crikey check this beautiful Sheila out. This friends is the Shadow Cat a small and beautiful feline previously looked after by the Canadian Wolverine before he moved on to the Sparkling mall rat. She’s a gorgeous little cat and I can’t wait to get up close and personal with her.”

“Look at the time. I’d better get going if I don’t want to be late for the art exhibition. Peter said I’d love the portrait he did of me.”

Kitty swiftly changed into slacks and blouse and was ready to go. As she was in a hurry she simply phased through the wall. A frown marred her features as she was sure she could spot someone lurking behind a wall.

“Just check that out. She walked right through that wall with her ability to phase. That’s a real useful power that this small but beautiful cat possesses.”

Kitty’s eyes blazed with anger as she realized that some creep had a camcorder and was filming her. She was looking forward to demonstrating her Ninja training on that pervert. Steve Irwin nearly had a heart attack when Kitty Pryde phased through the wall right in front of him.

“Strewth. Just check that out. We got a real close up of her phasing ability there. Look at how angry she looks. I don’t think our little kitty cat likes being spied on.”

“Too right I don’t creep.”

Kitty phased through the camcorder disrupting its circuitry and rendering it useless. Steve realized that he was probably going to receive the same fate.

“Err you’re alright mate?” gulped the Crocodile Hunter.

Sensibly he took to his heels and fled at top speed. He only paused to hide behind a wall and catch his breath. Gazing and wheezing he mopped his brow and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Crikey I think I had another lucky escape there. It just goes to show that even small and beautiful cats can really get mean when they get annoyed. I sure would have liked a closer view of that gorgeous girl though.”

Kitty then appeared again phasing through the wall.

“You’re about to find out just how mean this Kitty can get when she’s really annoyed you stupid Aussie jerk.”
She then proceeded to inflict a great deal of extremely gratuitous physical violence on the hapless Crocodile Hunter before finally phasing him through the brick wall and leaving him trapped there by his boots. Finally she smiled triumphantly and went off to the art exhibition where she planned to have a word with Peter.

Steve awoke some time later to find a tall muscular, blue eyed, black haired Russian looming over him. Peter’s handsome face was marred by an angry glare.

“Crikey the Russian Collosus and he’s gorgeous. You’re alright aren’t you mate.”

“Nyet my tovarisch, I am most unhappy at you harassing my good friend Kitty Pryde. I am sorry that I have to teach you a lesson. I hope you realize that this will hurt you a lot more than it hurts me.”

Collosus shifted to his organic steel form and at that point it may be best to draw a veil over this unhappy scene. Never fear though because the Crocodile Hunter will be back sooner or later to harass more mutants. You would think he’d learned his lesson by now.



Crocodile Hunter 3-Sabretooth/Wolverine-The Ferals

Ripped shirts, pounding fists, guttural snarls and roars, claws tearing into flesh, blood flying it was a remarkably common sight. No it isn’t women fighting over Remy LeBeau but Victor Creed and Logan engaged in another of their fights. This one was just the latest in their old vendetta but unlike most of the others this one was being observed and filmed.

“G’Day and have I got a treat for you. Yes today I’m getting up close and personal to a really awesome pair of critters, the Canadian Wolverine and the Sabretooth. Yes they’re even more ferocious than the Dark Beast and unlike the beautiful little Shadow Cat these critters are deadly.”

Steve Irwin zoomed in with his camcorder to obtain a close shot of the two combatants. One was short but muscular with shaggy dark hair while the other was tall, blonde and even more muscular. Both appeared to be in the full froes of a berserker frenzy which explained how Steve had been able to get so close. Normally they would have smelt him long before now.

“Now I’m going ta rip out yer heart and yer lungs and yer entrails and all yer internal organs fer that matter runt.”

“Ya can try Creed but yer gonna get a taste of claw city first.”

With that Logan leapt at Creed and sank his claws deep into the larger mutant’s chest. Creed snarled and lashed out with his fist catching Logan on the chin and sending him flying. Logan landed in a dazed heap right in front of Steve. Rubbing his hands in glee the Aussie knelt on Logan’s chest and promptly started stroking one of Logan’s sideburns.

“You’re alright mate. Just look at him. Isn’t he gorgeous, in fact he’s a beautiful boy and that’s a fact? Look at this crazy hairstyle and these neat whiskers. He doesn’t seem to like me touching them and you can tell that by his growl. I think he’s going to show me his claws.”

“Hands of the hair ya freak. Do ya know how much work it takes to get them just so? Ya really going ta suffer now.”

Logan popped his claws but Steve was holding his wrists firmly pointing the claws away from himself. Steve admired his reflection in the gleaming adamantium blades and then settled himself more comfortably on Logan’s chest.

“Get a load of these gorgeous claws. These are really neat and they can slice through just about anything.”

“They’ll slice through you in a minute.”

“Now the other neat thing about the Wolverine is his adamantium laced skeleton. Now see when I hit him with this rock it dings and I’ll just stop that now because he’s getting a bit cross. You’re alright mate I’ve just got one last thing to do,”

With that Steve placed a fridge magnet in the shape of a wallaby on Logan’s forehead. Then he ruffled Logan’s hair before leaping off the enraged feral. He then turned his attention to the bemused Victor Creed who had been quietly watching the shenanigans.

“Now let’s have a look at blondie over here. As you can see he’s remarkably similar to Logan if a little bigger and that’s lead to some erroneous conclusions that they’re related. In fact Vic himself thought he was Logan’s father at one time. Talk about dim.”

“Yer really going ta suffer fer that ya know.”

Before Creed could pounce Steve managed to jump at him and wrestle him to the ground. He then forced Creed’s jaws open and had a good look at his teeth.

“Crikey just have a look at these gnashers. Now you can see where he get’s the name Sabretooth. Now he’s naughtier than the Wolverine and in fact he kills loads of people but he’s not going to hurt me. You’re alright mate and you’re gorgeous.”

With that he planted a kiss on Sabretooth’s nose.

“Now you very often see these two fighting and no-one really knows why they do it all the time. Well I’ve got my own theory. I think it’s a courtship ritual and what they really want to do is mate.”

Logan and Creed literally roared with rage at this. It was hard to tell which of them was the more ferocious as both resembled rabid werewolves. As the two advanced upon him Steve realized that he had just achieved the miraculous. He had actually got Creed and Logan to work as a team.

“It’s actually a common misconception that these feral mutants are little more than mindless animals. In fact they’re very intelligent, handsome and friendly people and Logan at least has been known to be rather compassionate. You’re alright mates and you’re gorgeous.”

“I’m the best there is at what I do and what I do ain’t nice. I’m bad ta the adamantium laced bones.”

“Ya bloods gonna taste mighty sweet almost as sweet as the runt’s.”

“But Logan I’ve done nothing to hurt you. Aren’t you going to be a nice Wolverine?”

“If you come at me with a sword I’ll come at you with my claws. If you want mercy show some first. Besides ya such an irritating little creep that I’m gonna gut ya anyway.”
“Yeah just like the sawed off runt said.”

With that Logan popped his claws through Steve’s gut while Creed ripped out his throat. A blow from Logan’s fist shattered the camera. With that little problem sorted the two men turned and looked at each other. Somehow they really didn’t feel like fighting any longer.

“Ya know runt we make a good team. What do ya say about going fer a brew or two?”

“Yer right Creed.”

It was several hours and many drinks later that Logan returned to the mansion to find a concerned Kitty Pryde waiting for him.

“How did the fight go then Wolvster?”

“Alright pun’kin but we got interrupted by that annoying Aussie Steve Irwin.”

“That creep should have learned his lesson. What did you do to him?”

“I gave him a gut full of adamantium. I don’t think we’ll be seeing him again.”

“Oh I wouldn’t be too sure of that Wolvster. I doubt very much that we’ve seen the last of Mr Irwin.”



Crocodile Hunter 4-Gambit-The Cajun Charmer

“At last my work is complete Raven, and the new clone of Steve Irwin is just as irritating as the old one was. Now he’s ready to go out into the world and fulfill his destiny.”

“I’ve got to hand it to you Essex. It really is a most diabolical, depraved and cruel plan that I love it.”

“Yes, I will send him after the X-Men and my other enemies one by one. He will annoy them so much that they will either go insane or surrender to me just to escape him. I already have my first new target for my resurrected Australian.”

“Who do you have in mind Essex?”

“Why who else but my dear old friend Remy LeBeau, lets see how the Raging Cajun withstands the Annoying Aussie.”

With that Mr. Sinister and Mystique shared an evil laugh before settling down with some fine wine and a good film.

“G’day again viewers and I’ve got a special treat for all you ladies out there. Yes today we’re going to meet a really gorgeous critter known as the Cajun Charmer.”

Steve Irwin was presently outside a rather high class nightclub where many beautiful women could be found. With wine, music, dancing and especially women this was the natural habitat for the Cajun. The camcorder lingered over one woman in particular who turned out to be familiar to Steve.

“Crikey what’s Terri doing with the Canadian Wolverine? Come to think of it I don’t want to know.”

Then sauntering out of the nightclub with a beautiful young lady hanging of each arm was Remy LeBeau himself. As always he was stylishly dressed and the tuxedo suited him perfectly. The collar of the expensive silk shirt sported quite a few lipstick marks and one woman’s hand seemed permanently attached to his chest.

Remy’s devil eyes glinted behind the shades as the other woman kissed him on the cheek. Of course he would be in a lot of trouble if Rogue found out what he was up to but the danger was all part of the attraction. After all he couldn’t help it if women kept throwing themselves at him.

Remy stopped and shooed away the women while he decided on his next cause of action. Stroking his stubbly chin he was lost in thought and never realized the danger until it was far too late.

“Merde!” yelped Remy as Steve leapt on him and wrestled him to the ground.

“Well just look at this gorgeous Cajun Charmer. He’s a beautiful boy and that’s no mistake. You’re alright mate.”

“Sorry you not Remy’s type, so Remy will ask you nicely to get off him.”

Ignoring the Cajun’s protests, Steve tore off the shades revealing Remy’s red on black eyes.

“Check out these eyes. These are really neat and according to some people if he gazes at you with them he’s able to charm you into doing anything he wants. Of course you don’t need any charm power because you’re gorgeous already.”

Then he kissed Remy on the nose. Remy was trying desperately to use his aforementioned empathic power on the Aussie. Unfortunately this power only worked on intelligent beings.

“Look at this gorgeous luxuriant chestnut hair. I bet a lot of the ladies like to run their fingers through it. Now we’ll get a good close up of those eyes again. I bet I can get some good money from some women’s magazines to make Remy their pin up.”

“Dis Cajun is not for sale mon ami.”

With that Remy used his biokinetic powers on the camera causing a major explosion which hurled both him and Steve through the air. Remy cursed as he saw his clothes were now in shreds while Steve escaped without a scratch.

“Crikey that’s quite a bang he packs with that. Now he’s able to convert the potential energy of an object to kinetic energy causing explosions like the one earlier. He usually uses playing cards like the ones he’s getting out now.”

Then in a rare display of common sense Steve ran like hell with a veritable hail of cards following him. The Crocodile Hunter was not to be deterred for long and soon he was back with another camcorder. Remy knocked it out of his hands with his bo staff but Steve had one last trick to play.

“Get a load of this,” said Steve as he held up a photograph of Rogue kissing Magneto.

Momentarily stunned by the horror Remy was helpless as Steve leapt at him once more; wrestling the Cajun to the ground and preparing to take some really close up shots.

“Fortunately with his tattered threads he’s going to look even more sexy and rugged for the ladies. Now if I can just get his shirt off.”

Then a burst of highly energized plasmoids blew the Aussie straight through a wall. Remy gazed up into blue eyes as his rescuer helped him to his feet. Popping her gum Jubilee looked him over and then kissed him on the cheek.

“Thank you chere, Remy owes you big time for dis.”

“Hey Gumbo what else are friends for but if you take me shopping to the mall tomorrow I’d really be grateful.”

“Dat Jubilee is a promise.”

Meanwhile Steve had ended up on Logan’s lap and he had just caused the feral to spill his beer all over his new flannel shirt. Logan growled deep in his throat and popped out his claws. We shall draw a curtain on the dreadful scene that followed in the nightclub.



Crocodile Hunter 5-Storm-The Weather Witch

Ororo Munroe was watering the plants in her arboretum as she liked to do each morning. Afterwards she would ride the winds up into the clouds and enjoy the company of the birds. Then maybe a walk in the woods to enjoy the company of nature and she might even invite Logan to join her.

A polite cough came from behind her and she turned to see Hank had brought her the morning mail. The smile died on her lips as she saw Hank’s grave expression and then a frown marred her beautiful features as she saw what he was holding.

“Yes Storm Victor Creed has sent you another dozen red roses, a box of chocolates, some perfume and a love poem that he’s written. You would seem to be his paramour.”

“That’s the fourth time this week Hank and I’m sick and tired of it. By the goddess, I need to go and get some air.”

Hank gave her a sympathetic smile and watched as she flew off. Then he helped himself to the chocolates and decided to leave the roses and perfume outside Rogue’s door so she would think they were from Remy. The Cajun deserved a break after his unfortunate encounter with Steve Irwin.

Speaking of the Aussie he was presently waiting outside the X-Mansion with a special trap set up for the Weather Witch as he called her. Sure enough there she was riding the winds high above him. Now he would have to see if his animal mimicry skills were up to scratch.

“Do not worry little one for I will aid you,” said Ororo as she spotted Steve’s dog Sally who was covered in tomato ketchup. On a mission of mercy she swooped down to rescue the dog and never noticed the net until it was far too late.

“Crikey come and check this beauty out. Isn’t she gorgeous and get a load of this. She’s the Weather Witch and she can ride high on the winds and control the weather. Luckily she’s claustrophobic so this net ought to hold her.

Then Steve gave a yelp of pain as Sally bit him on the leg. She didn’t appreciate being covered in tomato sauce.

Trapped within the confines of the net Ororo was starting to panic. She could hardly move and she felt as though she was being crushed in the confined space. It always brought back memories of her entrapment in a collapsing house at a very young age.

“Bright lady, I beg you to give me strength to free myself.

“Hey Hank would ya believe that Aussie jerk is back again. He’s just netted Storm.”

Logan was not a happy man and he could barely restrain himself from going into a berserker rage. Luckily Hank put a restraining hand on the feral’s shoulder and then outlined his plan of action.

Steve had just finishing bandaging his leg and was busy capturing Ororo’s struggles on his camcorder. Suddenly a blue furred form tapped him on the shoulder and as he turned his camcorder was snatched.

“What a marvelous piece of equipment Mr. Irwin. Now let me explain the inner workings of the camcorder to you in extreme technical detail.”

Steve’s eyes started to glaze over under the relentless lecture giving Logan his opportunity. Sharp claws sliced through the net and then the beautiful Ororo was free. Hank and Logan beat a hasty retreat.

“You’re alright mate,” gulped Steve as he saw the anger blazing in Ororo’s eyes.

“By the goddess, I am going to let you know why they call me Storm!” said Ororo icily.

She opened up with the full force of a blizzard battering Steve with chunks of ice and freezing him to the bone with the gale force winds.

“Crikey it’s a bit chilly with my shorts on.”

Then her whirlwind slammed him against the mansion walls with an impact that shook the building to its foundations and left some nasty cracks. In fact the impact was so violent that even Steve felt it.

“Strewth that’s a bit hard on the old mug. Err you’re alright aren’t you mate,” groaned Steve.

“Now you shall feel the fury of the heavens. Let the lightning strike with the full force of my wrath!”

“Crikey…….”

Those were the last words Steve uttered before the lightning bolt hit and he was literally burnt to a crisp. Overcome with her efforts Ororo collapsed to the floor.

“Are ya alright darlin?”

Ororo came to and found she was reclining on the couch with her head on Logan’s lap. Nearby Hank was hovering anxiously with a new box of chocolates, fresh fruit and other delectable treats. A concerned grimace was on his furry face.

“I’m going to take very good care of you Ororo and we will both wait on you hand and foot until you recover.”

“Actually I’m fine. Then again I am feeling quite weak.”

Ororo decided she would take her time recovering and allow herself to be pampered. She smiled and then gave a little moan so that Logan could kiss her better once more.

“Well curse my stars and garters. I’ll just have to start all over again with a new clone. Next time X-Men I will succeed.”

With an angry snarl the thwarted Dark Beast went back to work. The next clone would be even more irritating than the last one. If that one didn’t succeed he was sure he would tear out all his fur in frustration. Anyway Sinister was also working on Steve Irwin clones so it was his duty to do better. The Dark Beast snarled once more and set off to work pausing only to help himself to Twinkies.

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